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Sports Greats: All They Want for Christmas

miller-article1It seems Christmas has been here for a full month now. Christmas lights began to appear in the middle of November, and trees were purchased on Black Friday. Gifts have increasingly become the focal point of December 25. And, who doesn’t enjoy opening a wrapped present from underneath the tree?  With Christmas Eve upon us, I figured it was a prime opportunity to disclose what notable sports celebrities want for Christmas.

My sources at the North Pole will go unnamed. Their identities are forever safe with me. No Christmas lists were harmed, injured or violated during this investigation.

Tiger Woods, professional golfer – A 60-foot yacht with the moniker “Turn Back Time.” Coal was not specifically mentioned.

Elin Woods, Tiger’s wife – Whatever Tiger is earning.

Reggie Nelson, Jacksonville Jaguars safety – A tackling dummy made of feathers so when he misses the tackle the dummy will still fall.

Derrick Harvey, Jaguars defensive end – Court documents to change his name to “Guy Harvey.” Derrick Harvey realizes that Guy Harvey is much more popular than the unproductive Derrick.

Rashean Mathis, Jaguars cornerback – A can of Off! to keep the injury bug away for a full season.

David Garrard, Jaguars quarterback – A fourth-quarter comeback win this Sunday against the New England Patriots.

Maurice Jones-Drew, Jaguars running back – Continued roles as both the starter and team leader.

Quentin Groves, Jaguars defensive end – A quarterback sack.

Mike Sims-Walker, Jaguars wide receiver – A 1,000-yard receiving season.

Josh Scobee, Jaguars kicker – No snowy or windy conditions in both New England and Cleveland. (Good luck.)

LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers forward – To either play basketball in a warm weather city or have a city named after him. Or, if those don’t work out, then a lifetime contract with the New York Knicks.

Kobe Bryant, Los Angeles Lakers guard – No more Christmas Day games against former teammate Shaquille O’Neal.

Shaquille O’Neal, Cleveland Cavaliers center – All copies of the 1996 movie “Kazaam” so he can burn every single one.

Tim Tebow, Florida Gators quarterback – More eye black.

Fred Taylor, former Jaguar running back – To retire from football on his own terms and not because of injury.

Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts quarterback – An undefeated season capped off with a Super Bowl victory in Miami.

Pete Carroll, Southern Cal head football coach – Potential recruiting violations to disappear... and a new boogie board.

Bobby Bowden, Florida State head football coach – One more season at the helm... or a Snuggie.

Urban Meyer, Florida head football coach – Another Tim Tebow or Percy Harvin.

Charlie Weis, former Notre Dame head football coach – One more coaching contract involving an exorbitant buyout clause... and a bag of cheesy puffs.

Serena Williams, women’s tennis superstar – The book “Cuss Control: The Complete Book on How to Curb Your Cursing.”

Brett Favre, Minnesota Vikings quarterback – Head-coaching duties along with the title of general manager. Can attention be gift-wrapped?

Jimmie Johnson, NASCAR megastar – A larger trophy case. Dale Earnhardt Jr. has borrowed too many of them for too long.

Dale Earnhardt Jr., NASCAR driver – Jimmie Johnson’s trophies. No loans this time.

Roger Federer, No. 1 men’s tennis player – Owning the record book for men’s tennis or at least borrowing the book so he can rewrite it.

Matthew Driscoll, North Florida men’s basketball coach – No more six-game losing streaks.

Tony Romo, Dallas Cowboys quarterback – A playoff win.

Charlie Strong, former Florida Gators defensive coordinator – Nothing now – he finally got a head coaching gig at the University of Louisville.

Bobby Cox, Atlanta Braves skipper – For 2010, his final year as manager, to be another divisional title season. If that is impossible, then a year with less ejections than 2009.

John Wall, Kentucky Wildcats point guard – A national championship before he finishes his one-and-done season and becomes the NBA’s No. 1 draft pick for 2010.

Billy Donovan, Florida Gators head basketball coach – End his team’s three-game losing streak. Extend the Madness from March into January and February.

Jack Del Rio, Jaguars head coach – An AFC wild card playoff spot or another Reebok-sponsored suit.

This column was written in jest. Santa Claus could not be reached for comment. Happy Holidays, everyone!!!


Richard Miller is a national broadcaster for Jacksonville Jaguars’ home games on Sporting News Radio. Additionally, he can be heard on ABC 1320 WBOB in Jacksonville at 5:45 p.m. on Wednesdays with The Jacksonville Observer Radio Show.

Richard contributes to Inside the Game with Robin Valetutto every Saturday from 12-2 p.m.

Currently, Richard is writing David Lamm’s biography entitled Lamm at Large: The David Lamm Story, which will be available in 2010.

You can e-mail Richard at Richard.Miller@jaxobserver.com 

3 Responses »

  1. I know if I were TIger Woods, I'd ask Santa for a Time Machine. He needs to turn back the clock. Maybe he need to set it for about 7 years ago.

    In addition, he needs to attend Christmas church service. Time to give up his problems to God.

  2. Thanks for entertaining us all season. We all have so much to be thankful for.