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What Celebs Got in Their Stockings

"Twas the night before Christmas, celebrity-style,
and we wondered what gifts could make the stars smile.
These are the famous, kissed up to all year,
with goodie bags worth half the gold in Zaire.
They get all the best seats in all the chic places,
and when they look old, doctors fix up their faces.
Nic Cage has bought islands to cheer himself up,
and Khloe Kardashian got her pre-nup.
So what's left? You might ask. The stars have it all.
Why not virtual gifts? Save a trip to the mall."


To the Lakers' Lamar Odom and reality TV babe Khloe Kardashian, who wed after getting to know each other for a month: dinner at the Lots of Luck Cafe in Rancho Cordova, Calif.

To Kate Gosselin: a mullet

To Jon Gosselin: a muzzle

To the Gosselin kids: new parents

To Lady Gaga: Some imagination. Boy, she sure is dull.

To LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian: a "The Best of Cheaters" DVD box set, a copy of Hank Williams' "Your Cheatin' Heart" and a collector's edition of Cecil B. DeMille's silent film classic "The Cheat."

To Paula Abdul: a personal GPS navigating system to find her way back from out there

To Kanye West: a house-arrest-style ankle bracelet that triggers an alarm whenever he comes within 50 feet of an awards show podium, and a closet in which to check his ego

To Perez Hilton: A one-way ticket to a deserted island where he can report on the comings and goings of starfish and out the palm trees

To ex-Miss California USA Carrie Prejean, whose breast implant controversy, risque photos, sex tape and general hypocrisy finally alienated her supporters: fatness

To Tiger Woods: a shovel to dig his way out of his own mess

To Elin Nordegren: a cut of the revenue generated by every commercial spot on every newscast, gossip show or comedy bit about husband Tiger's affairs. She could start her own country.

To the many women who cheated with Tiger Woods: A copy of Justin Timberlake's "What Goes Around."

To Nicolas Cage: a hotline to Suze Orman's "Can I Afford It?" team

To Clint Eastwood: one of the new Widetronix betavoltaics 25-year nuclear batteries to keep the "Invictus" filmmaker's energy going so he can continue his breathtaking creative run at age 79.

To Susan Boyle: a long winter's nap. This Scottish bear needs hibernation.

To Miley Cyrus: With her new breast tattoo, her skimpy clothes and her Teen Choice Awards pole dancing, the teenage "Hannah Montana" star seems to be trying to tell us something. Might as well just come right out and say it with a "Skanky White Trailer Trash" t-shirt, $12.95 from Liquid Shirts.

To all of the Bravo "Housewives" of every city: a reality check, and not the kind that pays them for unfortunately being on TV.

To Levi Johnston: The media hound daddy of Sarah Palin's grandson deserves his own float in next year's Gay Pride Parade, having posed nude for Playgirl, apparently without a clue as to the primary readership of the online mag.

To Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo: A pair of scissors to finally cut the cord cuz it ain't working!

To Beyonce and Jay-Z: his and hers crowns, to continue their reign as music royalty

To self-proclaimed "Octo-dad" Mel Gibson: a vasectomy

To Tom Hanks, whose acting genius is matched by his abilities as a prolific producer of top-shelf projects ("Band of Brothers," "John Adams," "Where the Wild Things Are," and, coming up in March, "The Pacific" WWII miniseries to name a few): a clone.

To John Travolta and Kelly Preston: healing

To Michael Jackson's kids: the same

To Mackenzie Phillips: peace

To Chris Brown: genuine remorse

To Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston and Rihanna, whose love lives leave lots to be desired: messieurs right.

To Meredith Baxter: Kudos for honesty, class and a new TV series. Maybe this time, it could be "Bridget Loves Bernice."

To "Precious" star Gabourey "Gabby" Sidibe: an Oscar nomination

To Oprah Winfrey: We were thinking of world domination, but she already has that.

To David Letterman: a zipper with a lock on it

And to the many celebrities who give generously of their time, energy and resources to help others: Heartfelt thanks, Merry Christmas, and a peaceful and prosperous New Year.


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