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Winners & Losers: Zombies, Riverside

WINNER: BRAAAIIIIINNNNSSSS!!!! At least, according to a bunch of zombies gathered at the Jacksonville Landing on Sunday in observance of World Zombie Day. Hoardes of people dressed as zombies, as well as others who came as zombie "hunters" showed up at the Landing and walked through the streets, getting strange looks from passers-by. The event has grown over the years in several cities, and this year they collected non-brain food that will be donated to local food banks.

LOSER: Heather Highcove, for buying into the world's oldest type of snake oil sales party. Highcove, who bought a pair of "balance bracelets" during a demonstration at the Avenues Mall, was recently featured on First Coast News with Ken Amaro, who is obviously running low on tales of actual consumer fraud. The article on firstcoastnews.com quotes Highcove as saying, "Everybody wants to feel better and have more energy," and "my co-workers laugh at me and now I'm eating crow". Possible winner Brian Detour, owner of the business which has apparently hit a goldmine with so many office dunces on the First Coast, offered Jacksonville's most famous airhead a refund.

WINNER: A drunken man in Wasau, Wisconsin and his one-legged goose prey. Some 40-year old guy, who police have not yet named, decided to jump into some pretty cold water in his quest for a goose that he intended to roast. The water was too cold for him however, and he had to be rescued by firefighters. Sergio Lopez, a perplexed witness, said that he often saw people jump into the water during the summer, but not generally in October, and especially not while in pursuit of a gimped goose. Duck, duck...

LOSER: Joel Roth, who thought he was God. Anyone could make that mistake, right? Seems like a completely reasonable conclusion. Roth, a 65-year old man, lives in Ponte Vedra Beach and apparently went totally nuts on Saturday night, going on a crazy driving spree, getting up to 90 mph on Butler Blvd, and randomly ramming cars and running people off the road in Jacksonville and Jax and Neptune Beaches. At least five vehicles reported being hit in separate incidents in the Beaches area. "I thought I was the smartest guy in the world," said Roth after being apprehended by police. Not so much, apparently. How did he ever live to be 65 to begin with?

WINNER: Riverside/Avondale, which has recently been named among the top 10 neighborhoods in the US by the American Planning Association, a group of urban planners. The area, widely known for its accessible, walkable neighborhoods, historic architecture and friendly atmosphere, has long been at the center of Jacksonville, but hasn't received much national exposure until now. Hopefully this doesn't mean we're going to have a bunch of new turkeys moving in from outside. By the way, with a lot of work, Springfield might be able to make it to elite neighborhood status...one day.

LOSER: Jacksonville's most famous loser as of late is zombie impersonator Scott Kilgore, who shot his entire family, killing his brother and a family friend, and sending his parents to the hospital, and later robbing a convenience store.

Kilgore may have gone as far north as Bryceville, and is currently being pursued by many hundreds of law enforcement suitors from an alphabet soup of agencies that would like to have a word with him. Unfortunately, the bill for finding him is likely running into six (and maybe seven?) figures. If he's found alive, this will no doubt be an interesting trial. Hopefully it will stay off Nancy Grace's radar.

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In addition to offering up his weekly winners and losers in The Jacksonville Observer, Graham Wellington enjoys bacon, fancy hats and prank calling apartment complexes on Park Street.

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