Bunch of Losers: Dumb Criminals
LOSER: Kristopher Marlowe, the famed Cheez-It Bandit who stole an autographed Jaguars hat, has finally been apprehended. Couch potatoes and hat collectors alike can sigh in relief. A week after the incident, previously reported in September, police got a call that the snacking superstar was possibly staying at a Days Inn. When police showed Marlowe a photo of himself, he confirmed that it was him, leading to a charge of armed burglary. Armed?
LOSER: Julian Bartletto, pistol-whipping, bag-wearing, insane ex-boyfriend. Bartletto showed up at his former girlfriend, Mackenzie Putnal's Fort Caroline house wearing a plastic bag over his head, and found her watching a game (and probably canoodling) with her new beau, Jaguars player Karim Osgood. Bartletto, whose name sounds like a slightly different type of pear, decided that it was in his best interest to pistol-whip the two. The incident ended with Putnal and Bartletto exchanging gunfire and Osgood using his head and getting far out of range.
SHE WINS, WE LOSE: Corrine Brown, for getting reelected.
LOSER: Alexandra Tobias, 22-year old Farmville addict who may soon be getting some real-life experience in prison farming – if the sentence is light. While at home, Tobias was apparently interrupted at an inconvenient time by her 3-month old child, who she proceeded to shake violently in frustration. After smoking a cigarette, she resumed shaking, and apparently killed the child. Zynga's profitability vastly outweighs its usefulness.
LOSER: Rev. Jerold Lindner, a Catholic priest in Los Gatos, California. After recalling that he had sexually abused him and his brother, William Lynch, a 44-year old man from San Francisco, made a trip to go visit the priest and beat the crap out of him, leaving the man in fairly bad condition. Lynch was jailed, but many witnesses corroborate his story, and say they saw similar incidents from Lindner, who was apparently never disciplined and remains on the payroll.
GANG OF LOSERS: The 23rd Street Gang, a Palatka-based outfit which was dismantled after a 2-year investigation for selling Roxicodone. Three people were arrested – one locally and two in South Florida.
"This is the first Racketeering Influenced Corrupt Organization (RICO) case in the history of the Palatka Police Department," said Palatka Police Chief Gary Getchel, who paused to remove his single bullet from his revolver. "On behalf of the city of Palatka and its citizens I would like to thank those agencies and their respective members responsible for the investigation and the successful apprehension of these gang members."