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Holiday Humor: Alternative Christmas Hits…

Dear Jacksonville Observer Readers:

As an observer of the political scene I’ve come to appreciate the many unique personalities that inhabit Washington , D.C. Some are known for their eccentric behavior, some for the causes they champion, some for the scandals in which they’ve been embroiled and some just because they are so reliably inept.

While I was perusing a list of favorite Christmas and holiday songs, it occurred to me that some of those songs could be re-written in tribute to these selfless men and women who have distinguished themselves in the cause of public service.

Toward this end and with apologies to those who were inspired to create them in the first place, the following is how I imagine a few of those songs might be adapted to provide a narrative for the triumphs, travails, peccadilloes and indiscretons of some of our favorite political figures.

Merry Christmas!

· “Hark! As Charlie Rangel Sings” – In a moment of complete candor “the raspy-voiced Congressman from Harlem ” confesses to being a serial tax cheat and all around scofflaw.

· “Rangel We Have Heard is High” – After winning re-election, Charlie Rangel recants his confession and excuses his behavior by claiming that someone of his exalted status should not be expected to conform his behavior to that of ordinary taxpayers.

· “It (Be)came Upon a Midnight Clear” – John Boehner gets all choked up describing the revelation that came to him at 11:59 PM on November 2nd that his anointing as “Speaker” was nigh.

· “A Christmas (Pork Barrel) Carol” – The musical “Scrooge” is the basis for a modern update in which Sen. Mitch McConnell takes on the role of “Tiny Mitch”, a poor Kentucky beggar who wanders the streets of Washington , D.C. lamenting his lost earmarks. Look for a cameo appearance by Harry Reid in the role of Bob Crotchety, the underappreciated counting house clerk who empties his employer’s vault, loots the bank account and maxes out the company credit cards in order to avert a global depression.

· “Good King Obama Claus” – President Barrack Obama adopts a traditional yuletide melody to boast that it was his beneficent reign (and trillion dollar sack of goodies) that restored prosperity to the land.

· “Do You Hear What I Hear?” – Dennis Kucinich pays musical tribute to the chorus of voices in his head.

· “Blue Christmas” – A drunken and soulful Alan Grayson engages in bitter recriminations against the Central Florida voters who decided they’d rather not have a lunatic representing them in Congress.

· “Jingle Bell Crock” – Nancy Pelosi uses an updated version of a popular holiday tune to explain that if it wasn’t for her brilliant leadership things would have been much, much worse for House Democrats.

· “I’ll Be Home (Permanently) for Christmas” – Blue Dog Democrats raise their voices in a poignant and bitter sweet tribute to wherever it was they came from and wherever it is they’ll be moving back to.

· “Over the River and Through the Woods” – It’s a twin spin for Blue Dog Democrats as they sing of their post holiday travel plans including their strategy for navigating past the Potomac on their way out of town.

· “The Little Dumber Boy” – Harry Reid uses a simple percussive arrangement to recount his life story and explain why he really is the intellectual equal of a bag of hammers.

· “Feliz Navidad” – Lindsey Graham and the Amnesty Singers send holiday greetings to our friends from south of the border.

· “Up on the Housetop” – Realizing that cap & tax is now dead & buried, a despondent Henry Waxman belts out a dramatic aria in which he threatens to hurl himself from atop the Capitol dome. When Rep. Waxman discovers that Al Gore has climbed out on the ledge ahead of him, the two embrace and console one another, vowing to fight on until America ’s carbon footprint has been reduced to the size of pre-Columbian fishing village.

· “Let it Grow, Let it Grow, Let it Grow” – The duo of Paul Krugman and Keith Olbermann rework the Sammy Cahn classic in an homage to an enlarging Federal deficit and to advance their unique theory that the only thing wrong with the Democrats’ stimulus plan was that it didn’t spend enough borrowed money.

· “What Child is This?” – Recorded in 2009, John Edwards is at his trial-lawyer best explaining why DNA evidence is inherently unreliable and that Rielle Hunter’s baby couldn’t possibly be his.

· “The First Nobel” – Barrack Obama lifts his voice in tribute to himself and shares his memories of winning the 2009 Nobel Prize. In the second, third, fourth and fifth verses he complains at length that he didn’t win again in 2010 and blames George W. Bush.

· “Dingell Bells” – Michigan Congressman John Dingell, who was just elected to his 29th term (I swear I’m not making this up!), employs a jaunty sleighing melody to describe the persistent ringing in his ears following his party’s drubbing at the polls.

· “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” – Recognizing that Democrat health care reforms have overlooked the threat posed by rampaging arctic livestock, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius sings of her plan to compel every American to purchase “Reindeer Insurance”. Alan Grayson takes over for the fourth and final verse accusing Republicans of wanting grandma to get run over by a reindeer.

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