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News, Not Really

The News, Not Really feature appears on page 19 of the Jacksonville Observer print edition.



Having easily won the first 15 games of their season, the Jacksonville Giants announced today that they will sit out the first half of next week’s match-up against the South Tennessee Jugheads.

“Our fans demand exciting semi-professional basketball action,” team coach Kevin Waters told reporters. “We want to put a competitive product on the court, and if that means giving the Jugheads time to sink a few baskets before we suit up, then so be it. We’re all about providing that great experience for the fans in the stands!”

Waters believes giving the Jugheads a significant head start will add a simulated sense of drama about the outcome of the game, something that could really excite the team’s fan base.

“Either we’re really good or the other team is just awful,” noted one confused fan during the team’s recent blow-out victory over the Huntsville Hoopz. “I’ve never been to a basketball game before so I’m not really sure. But the beer is cold and I’m having a great time!”

Asked if they were afraid of losing their first game due to this unorthodox strategy, team owner Ron Sholes said that “worst case scenario, we’ll just have Jason Bennett stand at the basket and juggle the ball through it a few dozen times."

This won’t be the first time the Giants have allowed an opposing team to take over the court unchallenged. With four minutes still left in the final quarter of last month’s game against the Carolina Mud Squirrels, and up by a score of 276-90, the Giants took showers and asked the Mud Squirrels to please switch off the lights in the Arena when they were done playing.


“It depends on which way you’re driving,” said a spokesman for the Greater Jacksonville Chamber of Commerce. “And that’s why we’re delighted to announce that we have invested $100,000 to hire an Atlanta-based image consulting firm that will help us more fully capture the spirit of both directions that drivers on Interstate 95 may be heading.”

An early favorite idea to capitalize on north-bound travelers is to put up several south-facing billboards that remind drivers of our “Cleanest Bathrooms Until South Carolina” in the hopes that they might also stop for a pack of gum or to refill their tanks. Meanwhile, the Tourist Development Council’s most recent marketing campaign, which consisted of massive downtown roadwork that confused drivers into accidentally exiting onto surface streets, has been a huge success.


Starting next week, all area Gate gas stations will begin featuring new, larger sized egg and tuna salad sandwiches. Former Jacksonville mayor John Peyton noted that the Dandee brand pre-made lunch items are part of a campaign aiming to offer consumers “a bolder variety of impulse snacking options.”

When asked if he missed being mayor, Peyton quickly removed a one-hundred dollar bill from his pocket, rolled it up and smoked it.

“Sometimes,” he replied.


The Florida Times-Union announced yesterday that they will be assigning a reporter to cover the Facebook and Twitter profiles of outspokenly sarcastic political consultant and social media guru Jim Varian on a full time basis.

“We already get half of our political story ideas from his feed, so to put a dedicated reporter on the Varian beat was the next logical step,” said editor Frank Denton.

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